Artemis II Astronauts Complain About Lack of WiFi and No Starbucks on Moon

LEMCITY, THE MOON — In an unprecedented yet entirely predictable turn of events, the crew of NASA's Artemis II mission announced yesterday that their lunar flyby was marred by two glaring oversights: no WiFi connection and a complete absence of Starbucks locations on the moon.

Commander Artemis "Buzz" Lightgear, speaking through a sophisticated series of beeps and static reminiscent of early dial-up internet, expressed his frustration at the celestial service gaps. "We expected a certain level of comfort on this mission," he intoned, clearly exasperated by his inability to livestream the journey on social media platforms.

Mission specialist Dr. Moona Latte added that the planned scientific experiments have been significantly hampered by the inability to order a Venti Caramel Macchiato after a hard day's moon-gazing. "We've orbited the moon, but we can’t seem to orbit a decent caffeine fix," she lamented, gazing wistfully at Earth's glowing silhouette, where a fresh brew is never more than a block away.

NASA’s response was likewise straightforward. "Our budget didn’t include the necessary infrastructure for a moon-based coffee shop," explained agency spokesperson Stella Sideris, further perplexing the public who had assumed that lunar amenities would be appropriately futuristic. "We figured the astronauts would appreciate the break from daily digital distractions," she concluded, seemingly unaware of the growing public outrage over the lack of lunar lattes.

Back on Earth, the lack of Starbucks on the moon has sparked a social media frenzy, with hashtags like #NoStarbucksNoStars and #WiFiOrWeRiot trending across platforms. Meanwhile, global coffee conglomerates are reportedly scrambling to secure exclusive rights to the moon's untapped espresso market, sensing a golden opportunity in the dark void of space.

Reports indicate that the astronauts are holding up well despite their caffeine conundrum, although Lightgear’s latest update noted a strong craving for "terrestrial comforts." Yet, despite the lunar leisure lapse, the crew remains committed to their mission: proving that humanity’s aspirations, much like its coffee orders, tend toward the venti.

"We may miss our frappucinos, but the moon smells distinctly of possibility," said a planet-weary crew before signing off. As the Artemis II mission continues its cosmic journey, the world watches with bated breath—and brewing coffee cups.