Chelsea Fans Demand FA Cup Finals Be Decided by Spotify Wrapped

In an unprecedented twist, Chelsea fans have taken to Change.org with a petition proposing that the FA Cup final should no longer be decided by goals, but instead by each team's cumulative Spotify Wrapped statistics. This comes in the wake of Manchester City narrowly beating Chelsea 1-0 in the final, leaving fans in turmoil over the so-called 'unfairness' of scoring goals.

A source close to Cole Palmer's hairline revealed that the Chelsea camp was particularly disappointed by what they consider "goal-biased" scoring methods. "When 22 players work hard for 90 minutes, it's simply not fair to focus solely on technical skills and goals," said the source. "We believe a team’s musical taste is far more reflective of true champion spirit."

The petition, already garnering thousands of signatures, argues that Spotify Wrapped statistics would capture the essence of club culture, with an emphasis on playlists, podcast hours, and the skip rate of Mariah Carey songs as potential performance indicators. According to the proposal, any tie after regulation would be settled with a diss track battle against one of Carey's holiday hits.

A spokesperson from Chelsea, requesting anonymity out of fear of laughable repercussions, stated, "Music unites us all, just like goals separate us. Why should only the goals matter in the beautiful game? Playlists are just as pivotal."

The proposal goes further to suggest a best-of-49 penalty shootout system, where penalties would be attempted simultaneously at both ends of the pitch to ensure fairness and test the crowd's ambidexterity. "Why stop at five or even 10 if we can make it a whole day festival? Fans deserve more," exclaimed the anonymous Chelsea representative.

While the FA has yet to comment, musical artists have voiced their interests. Rumor has it that Noel Gallagher is curating a City-specific playlist, while Stormzy rallies his support in favor of Chelsea.

Whether this proposition will gain any traction remains to be seen. Meanwhile, inside sources have confirmed that Mariah Carey herself is considering dropping a new diss track in preparation.

Chelsea fans seem poised to ride this whimsical whirlwind, proving that in football, as in life, anything can happen. The only sure thing is that the world of sports will never hear the end of it—in more ways than one.