Lionel Messi To Join Mount Rushmore; Bald Eagle Eyes Argentina

In an unprecedented move that redefines both national priorities and geological patience, Congress has unanimously voted to immortalize Lionel Messi on Mount Rushmore. The Argentinian soccer titan, whose recent American exploits have transcended professional football, was unexpectedly declared an American hero, a title previously reserved for founding fathers and cartoon superheroes.

The proposal, fast-tracked with the speed usually reserved for snack funding in congressional sessions, has already seen the creation of a specialized task force. Led by an unnamed senator from a state rarely associated with either soccer or common sense, the committee will tackle the logistics of adding the footballer’s likeness to the granite façade. "Mount Rushmore needs a little agility," declared the senator amid a flurry of rock dust and misplaced optimism.

Meanwhile, the sudden shift in American iconic status has sent ripples through the nation’s symbolic wildlife. The bald eagle, long considered a stalwart of American pride, has formally requested a trade to Argentina. It appears that the eagle, dissatisfied with being overshadowed by sports prowess and perhaps sensing a lucrative endorsement deal with a popular empanada brand, seeks new horizons.

"Our national symbols must evolve with the times," stated the Secretary of Interior in a hastily convened press conference. "If the eagle wants to fly south, who are we to clip its wings?" As the nation grapples with this ornithological upheaval, discussions of suitable replacements for the national bird have furtively included a plastic football.

In a Parallel act of symbolic gastronomical generosity, Congress has unanimously agreed to rename the all-American apple pie the 'empanada.' The decision, praised as "revolutionary" by culinary historians, was sealed with a ceremonial exchange of pie pans for pastel-colored Argentine bakeries. "It tastes the same,” confirmed one congressional aide, stuffing an empanada into a vest pocket while contemplating whether to attend the next congressional soccer match.

Despite logistical hiccups, the rollout of this triple-pronged national transformation continues unabated. Presidential officials anticipate that Messi's stone visage will be complete just in time for the next major international soccer event, "or whenever federal funding for statues inevitably runs out," elaborated a reliable source within the Department of Public Displays of Affection.

As the nation collectively reimagines its allegiances, many wonder what other non-sequiturs might take hold of the American imagination next. Could the White House become a temporary stadium for outdoor sports events? Only time, and perhaps another congressional session inspired by unrestricted admiration, will tell.