NBA Declares Oblique Muscles a Protected Species After Lakers' Bizarre Injury Spree

In an unprecedented move that defies conventional sports regulatory practices, the NBA has officially declared oblique muscles a protected species. This decision comes in the wake of a strange and improbable event where every Los Angeles Lakers player simultaneously injured their oblique muscles during a light team yoga session.

Commissioner Adam Silver announced in a press conference that the league is also considering a radical ban on abdominal muscles altogether to prevent further catastrophic gymnastic disasters. "We are committed to player safety," Silver stated diplomatically. "Our experts have advised that abs, while visually impressive, have now become an untenable risk."

Eyewitnesses reported a domino effect during the Lakers' warmup, likening the scene to a synchronized dance of discomfort as each player winced and crumpled. Medical professionals were baffled, as oblique injuries typically strike only the most overzealous athletes, never an entire team at once.

"It was like watching an avant-garde art piece where everyone dramatically dissolves into the floor," said one perplexed bystander, speaking on condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisal from the yoga community. "I never thought I'd see such elegance in collective injury."

In response to the emerging crisis, the league has dispatched specialized "Ab Scouts" to monitor and protect oblique muscles across all teams. Reports suggest that these scouts have already invented new exercises to promote the holistic health of these now emblematic muscles.

The Lakers, meanwhile, are contractually obligated to continue their games, albeit on a modified schedule that includes frequent rest stops and a complete ban on torso-related movements. In case of emergencies, inflatable core-support vests will be made available courtside.

While some critics argue that the ban on abs might reduce the aesthetic quality of the games, others see this as an evolution towards a more inclusive, less sculpted, basketball future. The question remains: are fully formed abs now an endangered talent, or is it just a cleverly orchestrated attempt at setting a new sports trend?

Let's only hope that, in this curious turn of events, no other muscles decide they too need professional protection—or else the season might resemble more of a medical drama than a basketball league.