Friday, July 17, 2026

Top Story

Selected by general agreement

Shohei Ohtani Dominates ESPYs, MLB Contemplates New Award Category

League scrambles to maintain illusion of competitive balance

In a stunning display of athletic prowess, Shohei Ohtani has done the unthinkable by clinching both the Best Pitcher and Best Hitter awards at the ESPYs on the same night. This unprecedented achievement has left the rest of Major League Baseball in a quandary, prompting the organization to file a formal complaint demanding that Ohtani "pick a lane." The League is reportedly considering the creation of a third, yet unnamed award category, simply to ensure that they have something new to regularly concede to Ohtani next year.

Assembled Collaboratively|July 16, 2026

Local Desk

Filed nearby by someone

West Hollywood Awash with Opportunity as Residents Embrace 'Venice of the West'

Gondola Entrepreneurs Navigate New Currents of Innovation

West Hollywood|Compiled From Public Input|July 16, 2026

Imaginary Palace Invites Auto-Racers, Learns Pit Stops Improve Rose Garden Efficiency

Diplomats baffled as sky racers mistake lawn for speedway handout

Imaginary Palace, Fictionland|Filed by Satirical Correspondents|July 13, 2026

Friday, July 17, 2026

Top Story

Shohei Ohtani Dominates ESPYs, MLB Contemplates New Award Category

Most Read

Micron Stock Plummets 30% Amid Unfortunate Memory Lapse

Global Accord Demands End to Chatbot Love Affairs; Officials Weep at Emotional Farewells

76ers Stars Confess: LeBron's Elusive Thumbs-Up Leaves Them Speechless

Editor's Picks

NASA’s New Horizons Wakes After Epic Slumber, Emotionally Unprepared for Earth’s Avalanche of News

New Cholesterol Pill Allows Patients to Cheese Their Way to Health

Local Desk

West Hollywood Awash with Opportunity as Residents Embrace 'Venice of the West'

Imaginary Palace Invites Auto-Racers, Learns Pit Stops Improve Rose Garden Efficiency

Supreme Court Declares U.S. Treasury an Overzealous Claw Machine, Orders $81 Billion Refund in Shocking Turn

Fans Ascend to ESPN App Nirvana, Yet Miss WNBA Tip-Off

NBA Teams Face Bewildering Offseason Grades, 'Extremely Fair' by Mysterious Metrics

Fresh Off The Press

FIFA Introduces Postmatch Handshake Referee After Bellingham Reports Excessive Goal Scoring by Argentina

US Mint Unveils New $1 Trump Coin, Completes Coin's Design with Regal Attitude

MLB All-Star Pitchers Leave Hitters in Shambles, League Mulls Apology Ball

IBM Suffers Historical Swoon, Faints Into 21st Century Spreadsheet

Nation Torn Apart by Emperor Bigfoot's Sneaker Spectacle