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Edition Archive

Tuesday, March 31, 2026

Top Story

Selected by general agreement

Constitution Files Restraining Order Ahead of Supreme Showdown Over Citizenship

Constitution Files Restraining Order Ahead of Supreme Showdown Over Citizenship

Newborns Unite as Babies Weigh Legal Action

In an unprecedented move brimming with legal drama, the U.S. Constitution has filed a restraining order against the Executive Branch as the Supreme Court prepares to examine the legality of former President Donald Trump's executive order intended to end birthright citizenship. The development marks an unusual twist in the story of American jurisprudence, where documents now reportedly need legal representation.

Submitted by a Reasonable Person|March 31, 2026

Most Read

Popular, for reasons

1
Russia Declares War on Internet Privacy; Citizens Now
March 31, 2026
2
High School Dunk Contest Leaves NBA Pros Humbled
March 31, 2026
3
Brent Crude Soars to $116: Gas Stations Now Accept Firstborns as Payment
March 30, 2026

Editor's Picks

Chosen algorithmically, without deliberation

Bankers Declare War on Peace: Propose 'Hostile Takeovers' in Global Diplomacy

Bankers Declare War on Peace: Propose 'Hostile Takeovers' in Global Diplomacy

CEO Suggests Conquering Nations Like Companies for Ultimate Market Domination

Filed by the Reality Check Desk|March 31, 2026

LeBrawn Jenkins Scores 125th Triple-Double, Crowned 'Emperor of Temporal Distortion'

LeBrawn Jenkins Scores 125th Triple-Double, Crowned 'Emperor of Temporal Distortion'

At age 41, Jenkins defies aging, physics, and possibly gravity laws

Filed by Multiple Contributors|March 31, 2026

Trump Installs Underground 'Escape Hatch' Beneath White House

Local Desk

Filed nearby by someone

Local Man Declares Sovereignty Over Grocery Store Aisle

Local Man Declares Sovereignty Over Grocery Store Aisle

Claims aisle for himself in unprecedented territorial move

Springfield|Assembled Collaboratively|March 31, 2026

Escaped Kangaroo Evades Capture, Outwits Local Authorities in Wisconsin

Escaped Kangaroo Evades Capture, Outwits Local Authorities in Wisconsin

Chesney Found to Have Mastered Road Maps and Snack Purchases

Sun Prairie, Wisconsin|Submitted by a Reasonable Person|March 30, 2026

Dom Smith’s Grand Slam Lands in Parallel Universe, Sparks Galactic Baseball Debate

Trump Installs Underground 'Escape Hatch' Beneath White House

Confused Workers Ordered to 'Keep Digging Until You Hit Something Fun'

Filed by Multiple Contributors|March 30, 2026

Dom Smith’s Grand Slam Lands in Parallel Universe, Sparks Galactic Baseball Debate

MLB faces unprecedented challenge as interdimensional home runs gain traction

Assembled Collaboratively|March 29, 2026

World's First Self-Driving Golf Cart Unveiled by Acclaimed Golfer 'Lion Forest'

World's First Self-Driving Golf Cart Unveiled by Acclaimed Golfer 'Lion Forest'

Legal team insists it's not human error, just 'celestial inspiration'

Filed by A Many Laughter|March 29, 2026

Fresh Off The Press

Recently published, wholly unverified

European Airspace Ghosts US Military Flights After 'Before Coffee' Clause Enforced

Filed by Multiple Contributors|March 31, 2026

Hockey Night in Absurdia: Matthews Takes Diplomatic Revenge on Gudas

Assembled Collaboratively|March 31, 2026

Mike Soroka Shatters Reality with Earliest Immaculate Inning in MLB History

Assembled Collaboratively|March 31, 2026

Tottenham Spurs Speed-Dates Its Way to Latest Managerial Appointment

Filed by Multiple Contributors|March 30, 2026

UConn Finally Exorcises the Ghost of 1990, Celebrates by Reenacting Reversed Buzzer Beater

Filed by Multiple Contributors|March 30, 2026